“I don’t get marriage,” I said. At the top of my voice. At a ‘ladies that lunch’ lunch. The sun suddenly went behind a cloud and I swear I saw one of those Western tumbleweed bundles blow past. It was an exhilarating moment: I had said something controversial, amongst a number of strangers. All eyes were on me and I looked back at them square on. “Sarah’s getting married at the end of August.” It came out of nowhere, like the trilling notes of a skylark. Sarah, a blonde, tanned early 40-something mother-of-two was sat beside me. She looked at me shyly and I looked at her with pity. “Why?” I asked her. “We’ve been together for five years and the time feels right,” she said. I just raised my eyebrows.
“Haven’t you ever been married?” came another voice from across the table somewhere. “No,” I said, “I don’t see the need. I think it’s just a way of handing over your identity.” This last part was completely misconstrued: apparently, to ladies that lunch, “handing over your identity” simply means changing your surname. I began to point out that this wasn’t what I meant, I meant that in the eyes of society a married woman’s needs and wants are secondary to those of her husband’s/the society. The idea of an interesting debate drifted off on the summer breeze along with the tumbleweed. It turns out that the owner of the voice across the table had been married two or three times (I’m not good remembering numbers), so I asked her the same question I’d asked Sarah: why? Apparently it was about “showing commitment”. Commitment to what? At that point in her life she’d made a “commitment” to more men than I ever have. I asked her how long her longest marriage had lasted. (Was I impudent? I don’t really know.) “19 years,” she said, smugly. “My ex-partner and I were together for 23 years,” I retorted. Marriage a commitment does not make. So what is it, really, that makes women want to be married? What do you think, ‘cos to be honest, it’s still lost on me.
This article on Feminist Philosophers‘ blog helps illustrate what I mean. It refers to an article by JK Rowling in The Sunday Times. It’s about how David Cameron planned to give a £150 tax break to married couples – if that isn’t social engineering into marriage I don’t know what is. And please, just reflect on the gender bias of the UK government; what does that say to you? I know exactly what it says to me: men are trying to manipulate me into marriage with a carrot on £150 stick so that they can wipe me off the single parent list, which does nothing for their image with their voters. I say sod you, do you really think I’m that stupid? And you’re not telling me what’s good for me mister, go sort yourself out first.
Oh god, I’ve just noticed it’s 4.30 in the morning. I’ve got to be up again in three hours. Probably time to stop then. Night, night.
Love Stephie x
