A stunning walk through the woods at Trelissick
Autumn colour has been spectacular this year, the whole landscape seems to be glowing. Burnt reds and oranges, bright yellows and vivid greens have been tickling my creative drive recently, filling me with ideas for potential projects.
Quite frankly I need it. I’ve needed something to take my mind off the trials and tribulations of what feels like endless repairs to this Macbook and the ensuing down time. I’ve followed Apple’s recommendation too and have bitten the £120 bullet, splashing out on the latest Mac box set, which includes Snow Leopard and new versions of iLife and iWork. So far, so good and I’m really enjoying being here again. I can’t fault the service I’ve received under the Apple care plan and the guys at my local Stormfront store have been great. They even know me by name now. Which isn’t such a good thing, apparently!
I’ve been experiencing a different sort of ‘down-time’ too. The mood sort. The general trend of my moods has been slowly dropping for months now and lately I’m finding it increasingly difficult to hide. I sit here alone with tears rolling down my face for reasons I don’t really understand, and often for no reason at all. I become my harshest critic, causing even more damage, but feeling that that’s all I deserve, all I’m worth. But I keep on running and I keep on making things (often throwing them away or destroying them afterwards). I feel like I’m constantly drowning, but just manage to keep my head bobbing above the water by grasping at any flotsam on the surface. Then I let go as soon as I realise it’s not going to keep me afloat and I grasp helplessly around for something else. So I do too much and feel like I’ve accomplished nothing. Vicious circles. Cycles I recognise, but have no idea how to get out of.
Then one day this week an email from Big Think dropped into my inbox and I came across this article. I listened to it with interest, but thinking it would be simplistic and not apply to me because I’m way beyond being unhappy! Even so, there was one point that I felt I could try and reflect on more positively…
5 Steps for Being Happier Today
No 1. Accept painful emotions? Ahem, I have so many of them I’m not sure I have a choice!
No 2. Texting whilst with your friends? I don’t do that, ‘cos when I’m with my friends I’ve got no-one to text anyway!
No 3. With the amount of exercise I do AND the amount of “powerful psychiatric drugs” I take, how come I’m not ecstatically happy all the time 
No 5. GUILTY. I think this is so true, but I’ve developed a way of coping with (avoiding) my depression by doing as much as I can so that I don’t have time to think. It’s not a good tactic and it really doesn’t work! (For one thing, you feel bad for having so many unfinished things on the go!)
No 4. I like this idea. I think I could do worse than to reflect on some of these, so to get started here are 5 things I’m grateful for (I love the fact that it’s “grateful for” and not ‘happy about’ or ‘made you smile today’):
1. The most beautiful woodland walk in the company of a very special friend
2. The clear blue skies this autumn
3. Still being able to find something beautiful, even when it rains
4. Having the time to look around me
5. Still finding inspiration to make things, even when I feel least like doing it.
I hope you’re having a good week and that the sun is shining and the leaves are gold for you too. I have some things to show you that I’ve made over the last couple of weeks (yep, there are some things I haven’t destroyed. Yet!), so pop by soon, it would be lovely to see you again.
love Stephie x
