By Stephie, on Saturday 27th November, 2010 at 16:55 pm
 Falling egg production means savour the poached eggs on toast while you can! Is this it? Is it really here? I think I’ve noticed a few tell-tale signs. The stunning colours of autumn are all but gone, the leaves are turning brown and falling quickly to the ground and in their place are the bright red holly berries. I’ve seen a few snowberries too. More birds are coming to the feeders, and there’s such a huge variety. Lily, my cat, seems to prefer spending most of her time inside sleeping and the ‘presents’ she normally brings (in the form of half dead rodents) have stopped. The girls’ egg production is dropping off too. Then there were the reports of severe weather and heavy snow in parts of the country, and floods closer to home. But the real proof was two nights ago, when I finally succumbed and turned on the bedroom heater. It was a bitter disappointment. I had hoped to last at least until December, in a bid to save money, but needs must and waking up with a freezing cold nose is not something I enjoy. I sometimes wonder how I’ve got to this age (old enough!) and still can’t afford a few home comforts such as heating. A failed business and ill health come to mind. But what am I going to do about it? I don’t want to be one of those old ladies that ends up living in one room during the winter months, with her feet tucked into a pair of heated slippers, a hot water bottle and blanket on her lap and only the tv to keep her company. The way things are looking at the moment though…
Goals and plans are in order I think, but where to start! Where would you start, if you were me? Do you have any suggestions, only I could really do with some right now. I want to improve my financial security for the short and long term (I don’t have any at the moment), but feel at a loss. You know me well enough, but to sum me up in a few words I’d say “creative, single, poor, no assets, sometimes a bit mental, mother to one, can sometimes be really focussed/determined/ambitious, can sometimes be very productive”. If there’s anything I’ve missed off, let me know! I’m thinking that my first goal should be to have a plan of some sort for next year, ready for the 1st of January 2011 of course. A few weeks to cogitate then. I shall need it! In the mean time I’ll leave you with a few wintery wonders I discovered this morning 
 When I opened the kitchen door, I was a bit surprised at the view!  I'm sure there was a chicken coop somewhere around here...  Darcey took her first tentative steps in the snow
 Dusty waited for her feed. In vain. It had been iced into the car...  Lily made her feelings known!  And I went for a run across the snowy fields, grateful for my Goretex trail running shoes  And more than a little bit pleased that I'd bought these yesterday!
By Stephie, on Friday 19th November, 2010 at 12:43 pm
 A stunning walk through the woods at Trelissick Autumn colour has been spectacular this year, the whole landscape seems to be glowing. Burnt reds and oranges, bright yellows and vivid greens have been tickling my creative drive recently, filling me with ideas for potential projects.
Quite frankly I need it. I’ve needed something to take my mind off the trials and tribulations of what feels like endless repairs to this Macbook and the ensuing down time. I’ve followed Apple’s recommendation too and have bitten the £120 bullet, splashing out on the latest Mac box set, which includes Snow Leopard and new versions of iLife and iWork. So far, so good and I’m really enjoying being here again. I can’t fault the service I’ve received under the Apple care plan and the guys at my local Stormfront store have been great. They even know me by name now. Which isn’t such a good thing, apparently!
I’ve been experiencing a different sort of ‘down-time’ too. The mood sort. The general trend of my moods has been slowly dropping for months now and lately I’m finding it increasingly difficult to hide. I sit here alone with tears rolling down my face for reasons I don’t really understand, and often for no reason at all. I become my harshest critic, causing even more damage, but feeling that that’s all I deserve, all I’m worth. But I keep on running and I keep on making things (often throwing them away or destroying them afterwards). I feel like I’m constantly drowning, but just manage to keep my head bobbing above the water by grasping at any flotsam on the surface. Then I let go as soon as I realise it’s not going to keep me afloat and I grasp helplessly around for something else. So I do too much and feel like I’ve accomplished nothing. Vicious circles. Cycles I recognise, but have no idea how to get out of.
Then one day this week an email from Big Think dropped into my inbox and I came across this article. I listened to it with interest, but thinking it would be simplistic and not apply to me because I’m way beyond being unhappy! Even so, there was one point that I felt I could try and reflect on more positively…
5 Steps for Being Happier Today
No 1. Accept painful emotions? Ahem, I have so many of them I’m not sure I have a choice!
No 2. Texting whilst with your friends? I don’t do that, ‘cos when I’m with my friends I’ve got no-one to text anyway!
No 3. With the amount of exercise I do AND the amount of “powerful psychiatric drugs” I take, how come I’m not ecstatically happy all the time 
No 5. GUILTY. I think this is so true, but I’ve developed a way of coping with (avoiding) my depression by doing as much as I can so that I don’t have time to think. It’s not a good tactic and it really doesn’t work! (For one thing, you feel bad for having so many unfinished things on the go!)
No 4. I like this idea. I think I could do worse than to reflect on some of these, so to get started here are 5 things I’m grateful for (I love the fact that it’s “grateful for” and not ‘happy about’ or ‘made you smile today’):
 1. The most beautiful woodland walk in the company of a very special friend  2. The clear blue skies this autumn  3. Still being able to find something beautiful, even when it rains  4. Having the time to look around me  5. Still finding inspiration to make things, even when I feel least like doing it. I hope you’re having a good week and that the sun is shining and the leaves are gold for you too. I have some things to show you that I’ve made over the last couple of weeks (yep, there are some things I haven’t destroyed. Yet!), so pop by soon, it would be lovely to see you again.
love Stephie x
By Stephie, on Thursday 4th November, 2010 at 03:55 am
Fluorescent pink and yellow. A sea of it. And I stood in the middle of it feeling right at home. Decisions were being made: who would go with who; where and how far. I felt unsure as to where I would fit in best, so decided on the Foundation Group. For now. Test the waters so to speak, or more accurately test the road. I joined my local running club and became a paid up member last week, my third visit.
My knees are aching and my right foot is killing me. I know I should rest it, but I can’t. I just can’t. This is too important and I’ve only just begun. It’s 26 days until my first race as a member of the club. I didn’t have to enter of course. There’s no pressure to race at all. Ever, if you don’t want to. But already I feel like I’ve got something to prove. I have to prove to myself that I can improve, that I can run a 5 mile race at a ‘reasonable pace’. Whatever that is. I haven’t determined that detail yet. I just know it’s got to be faster than the 12 minute miles I did in the half marathons. A lot faster. Something that’s not embarrassing and feels respectable for someone of my advancing age and decrepitness. That’s probably not true. It should be something that would feel respectable for someone at least 20 years my junior. I picture myself taking long, confident strides, looking relaxed and comfortable, lean and healthy. The reality is that I look like I need an ambulance. I sweat buckets, my face is as fluorescent pink as my jacket (always was, is and will be); my pace varies and I falter, not knowing how to go faster (do I take longer strides, or shorter quicker ones?); I worry that my legs aren’t strong enough to get me up the hills, that my thighs are wearing the equivalent of a snow jacket in excess fat; I worry about my foot, pretty sure it’s got something to do with my shoes, and not being able to afford to replace them, worrying that I’ll cause irreparable damage if I carry on. Worrying that if I stop, I’ll cease to be.
 Run outside and look around My last two runs (8.3 miles on Sunday and 5.5 yesterday) were along the coastal path at Falmouth, a minute section of the South West Coast Path national trail. The lure of this route is the off-road section of course; the mud, tree stumps and rocky paths make it interesting underfoot and then there’s the smell of the sea, the wind (plenty), the rain (plenty) and the autumn colours. Everything people that run on trails rave about, everything that reminds me I’m alive I guess. I mean, you can’t forget that fact when your feet are killing you and you’re gasping for breath against the relentless head wind. Running the streets just isn’t the same. That said, the 5 mile race I’ve entered on the 28th November is on the road, in Falmouth. So part of the route I ran at the weekend included a bit of the course, just to see what it’s like. I lived in Falmouth for years, so I already know really. Pretty hilly sums it up. Still, there’s always the beach cafe to sojourn to (collapse in) once the race is run. I’m in training again then, for a few weeks at least. I’m trying to cover around 30 miles a week, but this time round I’m doing lots of intervals and hill training (if you don’t know what these are, just think torture) to try and increase my speed and endurance. Covering the distance at my half marathon pace feels easy now, so I’m trying to see what I can do to up the pain. Yes that’s right, in my book speed = pain. Big time.
I don’t know what it is that’s got me so focussed on running again lately, but it does remind me a lot of the challenging walking/hiking I’ve done (long distances, altitude). It’s being outside and in the landscape that’s important, I couldn’t be doing with running on a treadmill (BORING!). Seeing new things every time you go outside the front door is an incredible motivator. You never know when you’re going to be attacked by a buzzard or chased by bullocks, see an incredible sunset or thunderstorm. There’s always something to notice, whether it’s the tiny fleck of shining quartz in the granite rocks, the emerald green colour of the sea or the sound of your feet running through mud. At the moment it’s this hope for something new that’s keeping me sane.
Back soon.
Stephie x
By Stephie, on Monday 1st November, 2010 at 02:32 am
 Towards Falmouth - and the clouds drift by... Oh me oh my. It’s been almost three weeks. Three very long weeks without a computer. I felt like I’d lost my right arm…
I don’t know where to begin today, except to say hello and that I’ve missed you all very much. My beloved Macbook had a funny turn and needed a new hard-drive. The third one in its relatively short life. Unusual for a Mac, but despite the traumas I still wouldn’t go back to a PC. No, instead I’m going to spend what for me is a small fortune on an upgrade to the latest OS, iWork and iLife, and at a later date another gig of RAM. I just hope this new hard-drive can keep it together until then…
I wonder what you’ve been up to over the last few weeks? I can barely remember what I’ve been doing, though I recollect a lot of ruminating and soul searching. And depression. Depression that isn’t Mac related I have to point out. It’s the other sort that’s been dragging me down. Again. Walking in treacle they say. More like drowning in it if you ask me. I’ve been trying to do things, keep moving, keep getting out of bed, but I look back and I can’t see anything that I’ve actually done, achieved, completed. The house is a tip, the garden is overgrown, the allotment is undug, onions not planted, gloves knitted and unknitted, a quilt unfinished, ignoring the pain in my knees and ankles just to keep running, keep going, keep alive. Look for the beauty I tell myself, stay in the moment. But moments pass, fleeting and misty. But I still look. Hoping.
I think I’ll try and get back into the blogging groove by showing you some of the things I’ve looked at over the last couple of weeks. They’re significant to me, but generally it’s not the looking that’s kept me going, it’s the people; the close and supportive friends, the ones that give you a hug for no reason, other than they seem to know you need one, and the new friends from afar that you feel you know already
 Out for a run. Looking at the textures.  And contrasts.  Remembering the sheep in the snow.
 Grateful for the escape. And knowing they're loved.  A lot.  Seeing the change.  Watching the squirrels.  Thinking of blood.  And veins.  Hoping for inspiration
 And colour through the grey.
Continue reading Looking. And missing.
By Stephie, on Sunday 10th October, 2010 at 20:43 pm
Been there, seen that, done it and…
 GOT THE T-SHIRT - YEAH BABY, WOOHOO! I did it! I’ll just say that again - I DID IT! One more time? Ok… I. DID. IT. HOOOOORAAAY!
It really was gruelling; people hadn’t been exaggerating. There were hills like you wouldn’t believe, hills most people would have trouble walking up. The few down hill sections were light relief I can tell you. It was a lovely course nonetheless through the countryside and farmyards, but I especially liked the trails through Luxulyan woods, which looked stunning on such a glorious autumn day. I couldn’t believe how lucky we were with the weather, the sun and clear skies just made me smile the whole way through. Ok, so that’s an exaggeration, around mile 9/10 I really couldn’t have cared less what the bloomin’ sun was doing! But it was mile 11 – 12 that was by far the worst, I felt like I was running on empty and if one of the marshals had thrown a burger my way I’d probably have bitten his hand off. That’s saying something. I’m not really a burger fan. And I’m a vegetarian. The last mile, well probably the last half mile, you just run on adrenaline. And on this course you get a bit of gravity to help you on your way down into the arena. I loved that bit and gave it my all – actually speeding up and overtaking people! That bit I really loved! When I came through the funnel I saw three smiling faces I recognised, Jacqueline, Lucy and Tracey, and I think I virtually fell into their arms – I remember I could barely speak! It was just brilliant seeing them there: it totally made my day. But sadly, they couldn’t stay around.
I’m happy to say that my knees and ankles seem to have survived the ordeal, so far at least. They ache, but I can still walk. Talking of ankles, which are near my feet (yes they are!), do you remember that list of things I needed to make sure I’d packed? Well sometimes lists don’t always help and there was something on it that I forgot: my running shoes. Yep, nothing too important really. Just a minor oversight. I had, of course left, them beside my sports-bag, but just neglected to pick them up with it. I got a fair way down the road, into the petrol station and filled up my car before I even realised. So, here I am, knocking at your door, just as I said I would if there was anything missing from the list. I know they were technically on the list, but honestly I think one of you should have made me write it in capital letters or in colour or something. I’m going to rap your knuckles now (except Monica, she reminded me about my keys!), so go on hold out your hand… Oh, all right then, I’ll forgive you. Just this once. Seeing as it probably wasn’t really your fault. Probably.
Shoes retrieved, race run. So what does a girl do after all that effort? Well, I wasn’t going to drop like a stone and feel flat as a pancake as I did after the Truro half marathon a few weeks ago (the warm up for this one!). No, not this time. This time I thought I’d give myself something…
 A reward! And darn tasty it was too! I slowly ate my way through it as I sat in the open air listening to the prize-giving for the half marathon (the marathon prizes would be given out a couple of hours later). It was wonderful to be surrounded by so many cream-crackered looking people; the smiles of satisfaction and relief everywhere. The winning times were incredible, (one young woman finished in a jaw dropping 1:15 or thereabouts). I don’t know how they do it – although many of the fastest runners had at least a 25 year advantage over me! And probably a lot of running experience too. I sat there thinking that maybe by the time I’m 60 I’ll be good enough to pick up a prize for the ’60+ vets’. If I put in the training now. Obviously.
 Plaques and wine for the winners of a number of categories  Appreciative runners and spectators watch the awards being presented It was magical sitting here sipping my cappuccino and drinking in the atmosphere, exchanging knowing smiles with other runners. But once the awards had been given the crowds started to drift away and wander around Eden. It seemed to me like the perfect end to a wonderful day and I decided a slow meander around the Mediterranean biome would be the icing on the cake. And I wasn’t disappointed. The bright and bold colours kept my spirits souring for at least another couple of hours.
 Happy yellows  Zingy orange zinnias  Jars of geraniums  Red and teracotta  and the best bright bunting Finally, before I collapse in a heap in front of something mind numbing on the tv (CSI anyone?), thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone that supported me with kind and encouraging words and with your exceptionally generous sponsorship for Mind, it meant everything to me.
With love Stephie x
PS results will be published on the 11.10.10, so drop by to find out whether it was me that was the fastest woman in my age group….although I think we know the answer to that one already, ha, ha!!! (If only there were prizes for bringing up the rear eh?!)
By Stephie, on Friday 1st October, 2010 at 00:16 am
 Gorgeous Garmin The Garmin FR60 is gorgeous – and this one’s all mine, mwa, ha, ha, ha, haaa! In case you were wondering, it’s a sports watch with a heart rate monitor. I’ve had some birthday money floating around for a while now and rather than just let it get subsumed in the family budget I thought I should spend it on myself. That feels a bit unnatural, but I think that’s why I was given it! And I found the watch for a snip on Amazon, so why not
I think it might be just the right time for a bit of help with the motivation and this little gadget has got me all excited. I’m not known for my gadget fondness, most of the time I just can’t be bothered; things that are meant to save you time usually end up costing more than you bargained for. I don’t even own a microwave, I mean what would I do with it – heat up my cold coffee? And as for mobile phones, yes I’d love an iphone, but I’ve got less money than sense and a four year old Sony that works just fine thanks very much. So it feels almost unnatural getting excited over something that just measures my heart rate when I go for a run…
But it’s what you can do with the information that counts. You can set your minimum and maximum heart rate and divide them into 5 (or more) ‘zones’ (I used the Karvenon formula to do this). It’s pretty straight forward to work out (even I could do it!) and once you’ve got your minimum and maximum (mhr) you can just enter those into a table on Garmin Connect and it divides them up into zones for you – saving you all the number headaches. I like! The zones will be shown as 50 – 60% of your mhr (zone 1), 60 – 70% of your mhr (zone 2), etc. This means that if you’re following a training programme like me, one that tells you to run at an easy pace for 8 miles say, you’ll know you need to be running in zone 2, or if you’re told to run at a ‘challenging’ pace (aka ‘go kill yourself Stephie’), you should be running in zone 5 (but not if you want to live, obviously). You’d think that you can do all this without a sports watch, after all if you can hardly breath you know you’re working hard, right? Yep true, but since I’ve been using the watch I’ve realised that that method just isn’t so accurate, and I’ve found that I should’ve been working harder than I was, ha, ha! It seems to me that I’d been slowing down a bit because I was tired, but since I’ve used the heart rate monitor I know that my heart can easily cope and that it’s actually my legs that are getting tired. Weight training it is then. Damn watch!
The other thing I love about this watch is that you can set it to beep when you’re running below or above the zone/s you’ve decided to run in and you can set an alarm for the period of time you want to run for too. You can also set up interval sessions – you know, run hard for 5 minutes and then easy for 2 kind of thing. Then of course you can upload all your lovely data to Garmin connect, and I’m glad to say, to Map My Run too, woohooo! And all that just with the heart rate monitor. Now I’m saving up for the foot pod to go with it, then I’ll know how far I’ve run, how many calories I’ve burnt, and oooh, so much more.
Bored yet? Thought you might be, so here’s some piccies I took the first time I used it. I went for a walk along the coast from Chapel Porth to Porthtowan, which is a tad hilly let me tell you!
 Moody skies towards Porthtowan  The lovely Porthtowan itself  Blue Bar Well you know me, a walk wouldn’t be a walk if there wasn’t a cup of coffee involved somewhere along the way! Ta, ta for now. Back soon.
Love Stephie x
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Narrative Self in pictures
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I'm running a 28 mile marathon in memory of Josie this February. Come and find out why.
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